emotionally handicapped

(watch my attempt to write the post with proper capitalization.)

I think I might be broken somewhere.

This ain't the first time, someone pointed it out. I would've just brush it off coming from someone I personally knew.

But, coming from my previous and current superior,

hits home.

If there's one thing that I admire about myself,

is how I'm not emotionally driven.

My cognitive function on logical reasoning and thinking.

Not solely, but most of the time.

As cool as it sounds,

it comes with a price

That explains; growing up I was (still am) dismissive to cater to my own feelings.

''Saya tengok awak ni macam takde perasaan,''

''Buat kerja jangan macam robot, Mirza."

Tuhan. Sentapnya.

Kena pulak, memang time tu sedar, diri sendiri ni ada masalah kat sudut situ.

Dan bila orang point out...

Rasa macam, oh they can sense it...

Ingatkan I've put up a very solid performance,

rupanya the acting was terrible.

Mirza reti fake it je, make it dia tak sampai lagi huahua

Rasa pathetic dan loser. 

To be honest, aku takdela faham sangat apadia boss punya expectation untuk aku incorporate emotions with works,

and I do get defensive,

bukan ke memang client expect kita kerja macam robot?

Since when it is professional to let feelings get in the way while working?

Sekadar menyedapkan hati,

walhal tahu

two wrongs doesn't make one right

falasi untuk bertanggapan seperti itu.

Dan, ada benarnya teguran itu.

They just reminds me to be more humane, I guess?

(walaupun coming from someone yang less of a human, oh well the irony.)

Had a hard time digesting it, rasa macam nak masuk telinga kanan keluar telinga kiri je.

Tapi, kita ambil yang jernih jela takpe.

At the end pun, we all are human being yang inherently associates with emotions and feelings.

(unknowingly, admitted to the fact that she's also in fact, less of a human tsk)

///

Apart from being dismissive over my feelings,

I, also, have a hard time expressing myself.

Taktahula tak reti mengekspresi ataupun memang sejenis emotionless.

Apa beza nya.

Time graduation tuhari,

Time-time atas pentas tunggu turn kena panggil pun, tiba-tiba boleh berfikiran,

"mmm takde mood nak senyum.."

cam tiberrrrrrrr tul Mirza ni.

Natijahnya, gambo atas stage serupa orang baru lepas cucuk botox 3 layer.

Plastik sungguh taktaw nak habaq.

(up dulu, before awal tahun, nanti edit balik)

Spoiler: she never did. the edit.